Dear Laine,
I have an issue with the way my pastor has handled a situation involving my children and I don't know what to do about it.
My children are teens and are very active in our church's youth program as are the pastor's two children and the son of one of our deacons. These particular kids tend to sit together during services and at any church related function we may have off church property as well.
A couple of weeks ago, during worship service, the pastor's wife shushed the kids rather loudly and embarrassed the deacon's son. The deacon's wife was very upset that the pastor's wife corrected her child when it was the pastor's girls who were giggling and making loud noises.
This past Wednesday night, the pastor gave a rather stern lecture to the teens about how to behave in church and made rather pointed comments that were aimed directly at my children and the deacon's son. The pastor's girls were not even in attendance at this service. The deacon's wife walked out of the service taking her son with her. My children were left to hear the rest of the pastor's stern lecture when they were not the ones involved in the incident (I was sitting two rows behind them and saw that they were not involved) I feel the pastor should have spoken to the parents first or at least made sure his own children were there.
My children are rather upset that they bore the brunt of the lecture when they had committed none of the infraction and are refusing to go to church this Sunday. What do I do? I feel trapped in the middle. HELP!
Signed,
Trying to be a good Baptist

Dear Trying,
On a side note:
This reminds me of a joke my minister uncle used to tell.
Why are the deacon's children such brats? They hang around with the pastor's kids too much!
To the answer you asked for:

I have a two-part question for you and maybe by answering you will find the solution to your problem as I see it.
When you walk into that church, do you stop being their MOTHER and do you check your backbone at the door?
Why should you allow anyone, pastor, principal, father, etc., to berate your children when you do not deem it necessary? Who gave birth to those kids, you or the pastor? I think the deacon's wife was dead-on the money when she spoke loud and clear her objections to the pastor's behavior by walking out taking her child with her.

Dr. Phil may have coined this phrase but he did not invent the sentiment, "You teach people how to treat you." Anytime you are faced with a situation where someone is not treating you the way you wish to be treated and you do not speak up and let them know, you are allowing it to continue. By accepting this treatment of your children without speaking up for them, you are sending them a very clear message as well, "We are not worthy of Mom's time and energy to protect our reputations." Is that the message you want your children to receive?
I say the pastor owes your children an apology--as openly as he gave the admonishment not in private. He should be man enough and Christian enough to realize his error and make amends for it. If he is not willing to do so, then I say go shopping for another church.
Sounds like the pastor's wife may have had more to do with that little Wednesday night sermon than anything else. And I think I'd be telling her if she has issues with my children's behavior and they are not in a dangerous situation at the time she is not to correct them, but speak to me. If I deem their behavior worthy of admonishment, I will be the one to administer it as well.
Separating your children from the pastor's kids from now on might not be a bad idea either. Sounds to me as if they might not be the best influence.
I wish you luck. Being raised in the Southern Baptist church myself I know how hard it can be for some women to remember where their backbones are. I hope you find yours soon and don't ever forget you have one again!

Laine